Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Third Time's a Charm!!

Well here it is... basically on the eve of our third cycle!

I have had a delightful summer since we were forced to take it off.  Of course I would much rather be about 4-5 months pregnant by now rather than starting over but sometimes God makes decisions for you and you have to roll with the punches.... So here we are ready for the third transfer.

Friday is our transfer and the cycle has kind of been all abnormal-- maybe I am out of practice having a few months off.  My lining was 10mm last week on Wednesday and the clinic did not reopen from FDA cleaning until this past Monday.  We were planning on waiting until my IPs came back from their summer vacation but my lining had other plans.  I suppose it is an overachiever.  So we had to bump it up 5 days earlier to get it done this week.

Four 1d embryos were thawed on Monday to grow out to 5day embryos.  On Friday we will decide if we should thaw out any of the 5 day embryos once we see what these embryos will do.  Right now 3 are still growing but slowly and they think as of right now, they are fair in their grade.  This could be upgraded to good or could be downgraded to poor depending on how they continue to grow. 

The pressure is on for this cycle.  I mean surrogacy has always been full of pressure due to the nature of the whole situation.  I am trying so hard to be a part of their dream and a part of their solution rather than being a part of a problem.  Obviously my uterus is fine as it continued to grow a blighted ovum but we as surrogates always second guess everything.  We can play 'could have, would have, should have' all day long but that will not change the outcome.

So now here we are... cycle #3, an amount of money that has already been invested in me and we are at the 'How many should we transfer?' question again.  Our contracts say ONE.  We agreed on ONE but obviously the quality of the embryos are not working in our favor.  First cycle we transferred one FAIR.  Negative Cycle.  Second cycle we transferred TWO, one fair, one poor.  We had a blighted ovum that ended in D&C at 10+ weeks.  Now how many?

My IPs are asking for me to consider 2 fair quality embryos.  I would transfer 2 poor, One fair/One Poor, but I am not sure how I feel about 2 fairs and certainly not two goods.  Their first surrogate transferred two good fresh embryos and they have adorable, healthy twin boys that are 3.  But these embryos are 4 years old now.  And I just don't know what to do.  Their first surrogate had a text book beautiful pregnancy and delivery and delivered around 38 weeks with an induction.  She did have a short time in the hospital due to high blood pressure at the end of the pregnancy (i think!?!) but everything else was so textbook.  I have seen twins born early and I am so nervous. I don't want to be the reason that happens.  I don't want to feel the guilt of knowing that transferring two caused detriment to a baby's life.  I mean if it all went well, then great, but what if... What part would I feel in that? 

I will sit back and wait and see what Friday brings us but I won't have the IPs there... They will just be a phone call away and together we will make this decision, but just not knowing leaves me feeling unsettled!!  Wish us luck... We are needing it after all of these cycles-- good luck, prayers, juju, thoughts, sticky vibes, baby dust... whatever you got, we want!

Thursday, August 7, 2014

New Transfer on the Horizon

Ever wonder what it feels like to have a period post failed cycle or post D&C?  Like an African tribal dancer dancing around in your intestines with a machete.  It's down right miserable.  I have never had periods this bad in my life.  Some days I feel like 'Today I am either going to bleed to death or I am going to require a transfusion'.  Tomorrow is going to work even less in my favor.  Gravity sucks and I am running 7 miles.  Must wear black pants.  I learned that last month with my khaki short fiasco at Sam's Club.  Mortifying. 

But with all of this complaining, I have a silver lining.  Today is CD2.  You know what that means?  Estrogen started today and we get to climb back in the old surrogacy saddle and give it another go! Estrogen means headaches, but that's okay.  This month is hectic with a trip to Maine, followed by some rather strict working things with Kurt which means childcare will be a beast when its time for transfer. I am a woman.  I am resourceful and resilient and I will figure this out.  I always do.

I am still waiting for a follow call from the RE to find out when the tentative transfer date will be and also if I am allowed to run my half marathon in September!!  I am thinking transfer will be around August 25-27. 

I am ready to get this started.  Looks like I need to go peruse Amazon and the internet for some Pregnancy tests.  I only have a few left out of my hundred I had.  Not nearly enough for the level of obsession that surrogates deal with!

Onward and upward... I am so happy the sun is finally shining here after weeks of rain.