Seeing double or not? That is the question....

I have had so many well wishes in private messages-- people wondering "Well... are you testing?"  Yes I am.  Of course I am.  Is the Pope Catholic?  But I wasn't ready to say yay or nay yet for whether or not I was pregnant. 

Let me give you some background information.  It was 5 years ago nearly to the day that M&S were sitting in the doctors office with me to see their first baby's heartbeat.  I will never ever forget that day and the look on their faces when they saw their baby alive and real!  It was amazing!  

When they left the room for me to get dressed, the doctor came back in.  He asked if I was sure that the baby was indeed my intended parents as the baby was measuring small.  What can I say?  He was candid in his conversations with me.  I knew that the baby was theirs without a shadow of doubt in my mind because the traditional way of getting pregnant required sex and that wasn't happening at that point in my life.  I kind of knew at that moment that something wasn't right.  I was to come back in a week to see if the baby had caught up in growth and size to the right gestation.  

When I went back on the 5th of May (Crazy that I remember the date so clearly!) another ultrasound was done and the baby had stopped growing the week before likely the same day of the first ultrasound.  We were all devastated.  The doctor wanted me to have a D&C that afternoon to remove the baby from my uterus as my body was not expelling the baby on its own.  Physical recovery from the D&C was far easier than the emotional recovery.  

We all agreed to take a step back and take some time before proceeding with another attempt at pregnancy.  (I know this is a little redundant from my first blog post, but the memory is clear to me today as it was exactly 5 years ago).  They went onto have 2 gorgeous boys through another surrogate and they will be 3 in just a few days!  Crazy how life comes in a full circle.  

But the feelings I had back then have come back... What if this doesn't work?  What if I have a positive test then it ends up in a chemical or I have a miscarriage?  I then effectively become part of the problem rather than part of the solution.  I don't ever want to feel like I let my IPs down by not being able to carry their baby.  Miscarriages happen, Chemical pregnancies happen.  We can't prevent them but it does not make it easier for the surrogates who have been through them when you have that nagging feeling of "What if I did this different..."  Surrogacy is a beautiful thing but it leaves more parties feeling the emotions of loss or the elation of a birth....  It is a double edged sword for sure!  

So how many people read the whole thing before scrolling down to the photos first?

Me trying to will people into seeing a line that may or may not have been there in person. 

Oh yes, invert it... Then they will see it for sure.  Go ahead and do that screen tilt!

I am certain I see a line here... or do I?

Invert this one, try to save it from the App and accidentally post it on FB for the world to see... IM is subscribed to my FB notifications so I had to lie and say it was a friends.. Sorry for those who played along with my game.  My IM believed me too!  I was afraid she would see it if I didn't make up a story to go with it... I told her the truth though.  There IS a faint line in this photo and to me, its clear as day. 

Stupid blue line test-- its a vertical line not a + sign.  Its there, just faint. 

This made me sad to see 'Not Pregnant'  That to me equates NOT COOL! 

Oh sweet baby Jesus, I need to delete photos. I have 1400 on my phone and 75% are pee stick analysis. 

All of these tests have a line, as you can see, the 5.75 days past transfer is getting quite dark...

Too bad my IM knows me so well... I ask her if she wants to meet me for lunch on her way up the interstate tomorrow... She responds with knowing that I have something to give her... Like a positive pregnancy test!

That is right... We did do it!  

Lines on both of these too... just hard to see since they are cheapies.

My collection.. I have spent about $100 this cycle on tests.   Unless you have seriously had a hard time conceiving, or you are a surrogate, you probably don't understand the need. 

This is the worst wait of your life... Can't stand the wait of just staring at it... Anyone hearing jeopardy in their head?  Ill take it back to the kitchen so I can continue dinner prep... With a line like I got on the last test, it is going to be positive...

WTF?  No really... WTF???   I have darkish lines and still negative.... I was waiting for a positive digi before I told the world...

You know what, this is a substantial positive test... It is official!! I have their bun in my oven!

Even with those pretty lines on those tests, I cannot let myself relax.  I know what happened last time. I have had friends who had chemicals and blighted ovums.  I haven't had that elusive positive digital pregnancy test-- maybe tomorrow.  I am just so afraid of something happening... not to the point I am stressing over it, but I want this to work for them!!  I have my beta on Friday (10.5dp5dt or about 15.5dpo) then again on Monday.  I should have my first ultrasound around 7 weeks which will be about 3 weeks from now... Wish us luck and that this baby sticks around for about 8 more months!  I am relieved that it worked as well as being relieved that I didn't get my first positive until about 5dp5dt which means it is likely just one little baby that stuck around!   

This is how I feel right now...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTyN-vvFIkE

Yeah that is how I feel right now....

What is the answer?  You want to know too don't you?!

Yep, still listening to that Jeopardy music.. Its an hour long. 

You think I have tested yet??

I bet you think I have... But I have abstained from tests.  It is taking every bit of my self-control to keep those tests in the cabinet.  I am just 2 days past transfer.... Maybe tomorrow night because I am that crazy....

Maybe just one little cheapie test would be okay tonight?....

Noooo I will not succumb to this innate desire!!! 

The saying goes "It takes a village..."

So the old saying goes "It takes a village to raise a child" but sometimes it takes a village to create a child!  The average couple it takes a man and a woman and sometimes a bottle of wine or a couple of shots of tequila.  The process of surrogacy most certainly have enough people involved that it could populate a small village!

First lets talk about the obvious players.  Of course my Intended Parents -- They are the key players in this.  They are friends of mine and have been for about 6 years now.   They are wonderful parents to their two little twin boys via surrogacy.  So then I have to thank their previous surrogate for making them parents.  How amazing of a gift did she give them-- that unconditional love that is like no other.  They also used an egg donor to create these embryos as the condition that my Intended Mother had caused her to not have any viable eggs and the medication she continued on was not conducive with carrying a pregnancy at all.  Of course there are the doctors and nursing staff that facilitated all of this for them and used their expertise to bring them to parenthood and my doctor who helps manage my care from here so I don't have to drive 8 hours round trip to the clinic 3 times during a cycle to have my lining checked.  Their family who supported their dreams and provided child care for their boys when they needed it and their friends and families who embraced this crazy journey called surrogacy.  That's a village!! 

We have our own little village of support here in our house as well.  My husband supports my choice to be a surrogate.  It is not without sacrifices.  In our contract we agree to things like abstaining from sexual relations (we have been in contract since February so do the math!) as we cannot chance getting pregnant with our own.  I give up things like swimming in ponds and lakes and traveling certain distances away from our home hospital after a certain gestation or traveling outside of the US at all.  I have to travel from the house for transfer and put trips on hold due to uncertainty of cycling.  My whole family has to suffer when I am moody from the hormones or just feel like crying and not making dinner (the meds are no joke!)  

Finally, the rest of my village is my neighbors.  My neighbors who step up and say "We will help  with childcare and NO we will not take payment!"  My neighbors are part of my support system and they are friends.  Sometimes I need someone to watch my kids at obscene hours in the morning or get my child off of the bus and within moments of posting my request on FB, someone has come forward and offered and the astonishing part is they expect nothing in return.  These ladies are amazing.  I want to acknowledge a few by name as these girls are there for me every step of the way and willing to pitch in and help with child care when I am in a bind--  Amy, Stephanie and Nikki-- Thank you for being an unconditional friend who is there for me no matter what.  You are appreciated!!!  My other friends (near and far!) also message me and ask me how I am.  Just thinking about me or checking in on me is part of making this baby!! 

Of course we have to talk about God being the Mayor of this village.  Yes I know we are 'playing' with science when doing artificial reproduction methods, but without his hand guiding the doctor and making these technologies available these people would not be parents.  God has the biggest hand in this.  

To everyone involved in some way-- You are amazing!! You are making dreams come true!  

Now.... Onto this month's cycle because I know everyone is waiting for that!! I should really do a better job of doing updating in between appointments because my blog posts end up looking like a novel.. 

So this month's transfer was yesterday.  After our failed cycle last month, we dusted ourselves off and started again.  As soon as we had the failed beta results, I stopped progesterone and estrogen and within 2 days, my cycle started.  The next day I started estrogen again.  And fast forward 16 days and transfer was yesterday.  

I dropped the younger two kids off at daycare and made the 4 hour hike to Virginia.  I got to my IPs took a short nap and when I woke up IM (Intended Mother) was on the phone with Daniel, the embryologist with some bad news.  The first embryo that was thawed did not survive the thaw.  It just didn't grow anymore.  They thawed another, it grew a little then collapsed.  They thawed another and it was rated at a fair.  

I also learned that what they thought was 18 embryos on ice was not really 18 embryos.  They had 6 frozen 5 day embryos (Meaning they were grown for 5 days then frozen).  The other 12 were fertilized and frozen within the first day.  These 12 have no grades of quality assigned to them as they had not grown.  It is said 40-50% of these 12 will continue to grow when they are thawed so if you are a math person, that is somewhere around 5 of the 12 will be of any decent quality. The rest will not grow.   So we started with 18 embryos.  6 were 5 day but now there are only 2 of those 5 day left and who knows how they will thaw.  and 12 of unknown quality of which only 4-5 will probably be any good.  Make sense?

We went to transfer and we were waiting for the doctor to come in to the transfer room.  When he came in, he said he had stopped by the embryologists lab and said that the one that had collapsed had resumed growing again but still was poor quality.  The other was rated at only a fair.  He is a very conservative doctor and will only transfer one good quality but we clearly were not dealing with this.  He asked what we wanted to do... This was a hard choice.

I was very much on the single embryo transfer kick... that is what I wanted.  That is what my IPs wanted (it is in our contract) and that is what the doctor usually would recommend.  He gave us time to make our decision and left the room.  We talked it out but yet we still could not come to a conclusion.   He came back and we asked for more time.  Time elapsed and no one felt pressured.  When he came back my IF asked this one question and this one question is what gave us the answer. 

His question was "Doctor, we plan on doing this until we run out of embryos.  Knowing that, would you still transfer 2?" and the doctor said "Yes I would.  Of this quality, I think it is the best chance for success of a singleton pregnancy."  When the embryologist wheeled the embryos in the incubator, he also concurred.

So for all of you experienced surrogates out there shaking your fist at me, I understand.  I know your arguments and they are VERY valid.  We did not just toss back 3 great quality embryos thinking "Multiples won't happen to us"  We did not do this without having a plan or without being lectured by some of my best friends who are also experienced multiples carriers.  I know the risks.  I know the chances of problems with a twin pregnancy.  I considered all of these risks.  I know if I get pregnant, it will be hard.  Harder than I can even anticipate.  We made a very calculated decision, there was nothing careless or dismissive about our decision.  We have a plan in the event of a hard or troubled pregnancy.  We are prepared though you can never be 100% prepared for all of the what ifs of twins or any pregnancy for that matter.  But we are still all hoping for ONE embryo to stick around resulting in a healthy SINGLETON. 

So please, instead of lecturing me, it's already done and over with.  There are two little embryos in me trying to find a place to nestle in.  One can go ahead and stay, the other can say adios to its brother or sister!! 

Here are some photos from our exciting day!  

Typical Transfer Torture Devices!  The gigantic swabs are to clean up the cervix before they thread the catheter through with the hemostats. 

My gorgeous IM and myself just before transfer

Is your bladder full enough to visualize the uterus?  What if I push the U/S probe down to your tailbone?

The transfer is about to happen.  Daniel (the embryologist is about to pull the embryos out)

But first, the proud daddy gets to check them out through the microscope!

Here it goes!! The embryologist is looking on, watching those embryos go to their new home.  

There they are, that little white dot are the embryos in my uterus. 

The embryos.   The top one is the poor quality embryo that collapsed then started to grow again.  This one likely won't hatch out of its shell but we gave it a chance.  The bottom one is the 'fair' embryo.  Ideally the embryo would fill the whole outer circle and look like the below embryo that I snagged a picture from the internet for comparison. 

Before hatching, a blast usually has more than 150 cells. 

This blast is hatching out of its shell. 

As you can see with our blasts compared to the 'good' quality blasts, ours are not as good of quality.  I have heard that ugly embryos can make beautiful babies.  Pray for us to just have ONE stick around for the next 9 months!

Will update in a few days once we start peeing on sticks AND we have a positive.... Stay tuned!

You never know who you will touch...

Without going into too many details, today I talked to a man who had been facing infertility problems for years with his wife.  This is a business man who had bent over backwards to help us make a big financial decision and helped us immensely.  He drove 2 hours to Kurt and I and as I was talking to him while driving on base he casually asked me how many kids we had.  I laughed and said 'Three... so far, but I am sure we aren't done yet, but I am carrying a baby for another couple as a surrogacy'  He was flabbergasted, just taken aback that someone would do this for someone else. 

We talked more in depth and we both agreed that it was ironic that we would meet today... the same day his wife started her cycle once again so it meant that once again, they were not going to be expecting a baby.  This hit her rather hard knowing that their teenage niece would be having a baby any day from an unplanned pregnancy. 

It's sad.  It's hard.  It hit me in the gut... why? Because I know so many women/couples who are unable to have a baby for one reason or another.  Why do these couples have to get the 'Why don't you just adopt?' question or 'If God wanted you to have a baby, he would allow you to have one!'  Both of these arguments are not only invalid, but they are ignorant!!  I may never know the feeling of inadequacy that comes with infertility, but I hope I am never that inconsiderate to have those horrendous words uttered from my mouth. 

The point of this post is to remind people that infertility is real.  It sucks.  And it is a condition just like any other medical condition.  Would you tell someone that has cancer "Hey you have lived 30 years, God wants you to die now"?  No.  Think about your words before you say them. 

And a little note, be proud of your convictions.  Are you a surrogate?  Tell the world.  You never know who you will touch with your kindness.. Infertility does not have a specific face.  You cannot look at someone and know that they have had problems conceiving.  Sometimes you give someone hope by knowing there are other women like you that are willing to carry a baby for someone else just to see their dreams come true... So talk about it... don't be ashamed.  Educate people to get that negative stigma taken away from surrogacy.


And as a total side note to this whole posting... My head is freaking killing me!!!!   These estrogen tablets give me awful headaches.  Can't wait to start the progesterone again so I can balance out these hormones... 

If you don't hear from me by....

This weekend... I have bled to death.  Send out the rescue squad.

 No seriously.  WTH is a post failed cycle bleed like?  Freddy Kruger meets SAW.  The last two days I have had to resort to wearing only yoga pants because my bloated gut boycotted jeans.  I had to tell my running partner 'No sorry, I can't run today.  I am bleeding like I am dying and a gator might eat me if I run.'  Gravity sucks.  I briefly considered the rowing machine, but the repeated squishing of the abdomen and wearing spandex doesn't allow a back up method of gore control.  It was a passing thought... 

But on the plus side, the period brought on a new cycle.  Yesterday I started Estrogen again.

On April 15, I have my lining scan, estrogen and progesterone levels and from there, we can go ahead and schedule the next transfer.. 

Stay tuned!!

Crazy-- But not certifiably so...

So here it is-- in all surrogate glory-- the pee sticks.  Go ahead... scroll down past them for an explanation-- as if you actually need one!!

 

 Feel like maybe I am crazy?  I assure you I am not... well not because of this at least.  I also had a psych eval as part of my surrogacy screening process and they said I didn't have psychotic tendancies.  I wonder if a psychologist would pass a surrogate in an eval if he or she knew about this obsession.  After all, obsessions are bad right?

All of the pictures above are screenshots of my camera roll on my phone from about 4 days worth of photos-- most of which are pee sticks... obsessing, changing the colors to see if the line I think I see is really there and sending it to other friends to see if they see it too... 

If you have ever TTC your own with problems or have been a surrogate, chances are, you are shaking your head at this saying 'Been there, done that!'  Everyone else just thinks I have a problem.  I assure you its a 'normal' problem. 

 

This is all of the tests from this cycle... yes, a little obsessive compulsive with the labeling of them too.  Only 34 on this cycle-- But hey, that was really good considering I had 115 pee sticks in my closet to use up :)

Sadly, today we had news that our beta was negative so even though everything looked great on this cycle, we didn't get pregnant.  Onward and upward to the next cycle.  I go off of meds immediately and should be starting my next cycle and the meds again on the second day of my period.  Then from there we will do more ultrasounds, more blood tests and transfer again sometime about 2.5-3 wks from now hopefully!

My IM had a birthday this week and I wanted so bad to be able to surprise her with a positive test, but alas, it wasn't in the cards.  She gets to go on a girls trip this weekend so hopefully that will raise her spirit so we can dust ourselves off and get right back into that saddle!  

Also this cycle, since they have 18 embryos left on ice, she is going to request that they thaw 2-3 embryos and have them put the best quality embryo in so that hopefully we will have more than a 'fair' quality embryo transferred this time!

Ciao bellas-- Hopefully I have some positive news coming soon~!

*** I forgot this important part about why surrogates use so many pee sticks.  The average woman doesn't use a pee stick until their period is late or at the earliest, just a couple days before their period is due so most of the time, one pee stick is sufficient.  When you know the precise moment that you conceived, and you know when you *could* potentially get a positive test, you want to know the first possible moment when it is positive!!   The 2 week wait is is much shorter for IVF because when they put the embryo in, you have already passed ovulation by 3-6 days so your two week wait becomes more like a 4-6 day wait!  There is a lot of peeing that can happen in those few days... you can't waste pee in the toilet, you must pee in a cup and dip a test every.single.time!

Better late than never!

I am over a week late posting but hey, better late than never right?!  I wanted to explain the process of am embryo transfer so anyone who hasn't been through it understands it and when I wrote my first post, I had never been through one yet so I didn't know how to explain it either!

So I made the drive to Virginia and it was quite cold but I had tunes blasting and it was sunny.  The ride was over before I knew it.  Once I got up there, M met me at her house and we took the boys to Chick Fil A for lunch to play and for her and I to chat.  This is when I started with the drinking for the full bladder for the transfer.  One sweet tea, coming right up! 

Me driving to Virginia

We ran back to the house to wait for the babysitter and went to the clinic.  I drank another 24 ounces at the house plus refilled my camelbak bottle and continued to drink water.  

We got to the clinic and I pulled a little gift out for M -- It was a Pandora style bracelet with a little horseshoe as our lucky charm.  She put it on immediately.  My IF came at this time as well to be there for support through the transfer.  

 

Me and IM Waiting for transfer!

We went to the back and I got undressed from the waist down and sat on the table... in pain.  My bladder was so full, it was hurting.  I grinned and bared it for just a few minutes.  The doctor would be in the room any minute-- right?  Wrong!  He was running behind.  The nurse came in and did a quick scan and said I could fill up one urine sample cup and dump it.  That would certainly make me feel better.  Wrong again.  I still hurt.  After waiting for about 10 minutes, I had to relieve myself just a little bit more.  So they let me empty one more cup worth.  I still hurt-- I did my homework with drinking fluids, I did extra credit but this time it didn't pay out!

Finally Dr. Steingold came in the room and we were ready to get this show on the road.  He came in and chatted with us making sure I didn't have any questions.  Then he had me lay back to get the transfer started.  He placed the speculum and cleaned off my cervix to get the progesterone suppositories off of the cervix so everything was clean for the catheter with the embryo in it to pass through the cervical opening.  My IM stood beside me and held my hand and stroked my hair so nicely!  She's the best.  

Then the Dr said "Sorry, I wasn't expecting it to take this long for the embryos to come in or I would have waited to put the speculum in!"  Then within seconds, we heard the beeping of the incubator.  They seriously bring the embryo down in an incubator to keep it warm!  I never knew that before this transfer.  Our baby doctor (AKA Embryologist) came down with the embryo.  He presented the parents to be with a photo of their embryo.  They have 19 on ice but only thawed one.  It was rated only a 'Fair' but he remarked that if it had been left to grow for another 2 hours, it could have grown to be marked 'Good' but if it was 'Poor' they would have thawed another.  

The dad to be checking out his little em-baby before transfer

Dr. Steingold and Daniel the embryologist holding the catheter with the embryo

Now came the big moment.  The embryo was placed and I was fortunate enough to be laying there with a swollen, filled, painful bladder and had a brand new on the job nurse doing the scan.  The transfer took far longer than anticipated because she was not visualizing my uterus very good for the doctor to see the catheter going in.  Instead of being down by the pelvic bone, she was shoving the u/s probe into my bladder.  It was murder...simply awful.  She was moving it around rather than holding it still for the doctor to see the whole uterus in the viewing field.... Then.... It was done.  He was able to see what he needed and we even got a ultrasound image of the embryo in its air bubble after the transfer was done and even a video of the whole transfer.  How amazing is that?

After the transfer was done, I had to lay on the exam table for another 30 minutes.  I had to resort to using a bedpan for the first time in my life.  I had to pee so bad but the idea of peeing while you are horizontal is much harder than anticipated.  It is fundamentally wrong!  It took me a few to relax to do it and then I was waiting for a nurse to come in and remove it... with my butt sitting in pee.... literally my butt was sitting in the pee... I guess you lose modesty when you go through this process-- can't be anymore embarrassing than having a baby and having so many people in the room it feels like the marching band is marching through with the tuba, trumpets, percussion, flutes and everything else wailing! After I got my clothes back on... I RANNNNNN to the bathroom.  Seriously I had to pee so bad that this toilet looked so much like a throne!

On the way from the clinic, M & I stopped at Outback to have dinner before I hit the road.  We were supposed to have a slumber party and just hang out while I was on bedrest for the next day but bad weather was rolling in and with the threat of snow, we decided it was best for me to drive home that night.  Once we got back after dinner, we went back to their house and I hopped in the car and made the 4 hour trip home.  

It was a long but exciting day.  Beta day is Thursday but thus far, we haven't had a positive pregnancy test yet... Pray for a miracle.  If this cycle didn't work, we already have plans to hop right back in the saddle in a few weeks.  After ceasing medications, my period should start within a few days and I restart the estrogen on cycle day 2 (CD2) and then we will transfer around 2.5 weeks from then....

To be continued... My next post will be about the Diaries of a Crazed Surrogate Woman!!  Pee sticks GALORE!!  ....