Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day
But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time
Happiness does sometimes have a way of taking its sweet time. Sometimes the joy of the journey is found on the ride to get to the destination. Slow down, take it in, enjoy those small moments.
This week was not a happy one but it was full of happy moments. That sounds weirdly optimistic doesn't it? I am not happy how that cycle ended by any means. But I am happy that I have my best friend and husband at my side to support me and that I have the best IPs any girl could ever ask for.
My IPs and I are on the same page. I caught some grief this week about posting a smiling picture after my D&C. It was my FB but I could understand how it could potentially hurt someone who has faced infertility or a loss in whatever way. I apologized for being insensitive. My IM did not feel pain over my picture. She felt relief that I was well physically and because of that, I am ready to cycle again whenever it is time to do so. She was outraged that someone would suggest that maybe I hurt her by posting such a thing. She is in my corner and I am so lucky that I have someone so supportive of everything I do and say. She truly is a blessing and though this road took 6 years to get here, we know how this feels to go through this together. We know what the feelings are. This is not our first time at this particular rodeo.
What is next? I have been asked this a lot. Everything went well physically with my D&C. I need to wait for my next period, then I would be able to start meds for our next transfer. My period should be in 4-6 weeks with transfer another 2.5 weeks after that. The clinic is closed for August for annual FDA cleaning so it looks like we won't be able to cycle again until September. But that is okay. I get to give my body 3 months of a break. I get to get back in shape and lose the weight I have put on from 2 back to back cycles and 10 wks of pregnancy. I get to train for my half marathon in September and I get to enjoy my summer vacation with my family and as Dr. Steingold (My RE) put it "You get to drink heavily and enjoy your vacation!" Well the doctor said to do it... so maybe just maybe at the Luke Bryan Concert I am going to at the end of this month, I will have a few adult beverages, let my hair down and enjoy this time that was stolen back for the summer. It does not mean I would rather do this than being pregnant, but I have to find the silver lining somewhere.
Cheers!
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Update-- D&C Tomorrow
Just as an update since it has been over a week....
I went off of the meds on Wednesday and played the game with the Family Health Clinic vs the OB Clinic-- You're not my problem, you're their problem! Then my PCM is on leave so I can't get any advice or treatment. Gotta love the way the system works! So anyhow, the OB clinic finally brought me back in as the miscarriage was not starting itself and had another ultrasound done. The doctor was very very thorough making sure that there wasn't even the slightest of a flicker of the fetal pole. The fetal pole was still visible where it should be beating, but it wasn't. The yolk sac continued to grow the gestational sac continued to grow but the baby never grew and there was never an actual heart beat.
These are ultrasounds done at 10w1d:
My body is not getting rid of the pregnancy even though the meds have been discontinued so at this point my options were either Cytotec or D&C. I have had both (from the same miscarriage) and the Cytotec was the devil because I was prescribed 6 pills one night and 6 pills 12 hours later. Seriously worse than a regular delivery and birth with no medication and on pitocin. Yes I have had both-- at least there is an end in sight during labor and delivery! The cramping was constant and made me so nauseous with the cytotec. Now that I am on the eve of the D&C, I am nervous. I know that its a 'routine' surgery and not a big risk but when you are signing waivers saying that you know that uterine perforation is a risk and asherman's syndrome and you have to go to the lab to be blood typed in case you need a transfusion-- then reality hits. This maybe is a serious surgery! (even if it is routine and outpatient-- the risk is real!)
So tomorrow at 2, send prayers up for my IPs as this is finality for this baby for them. This is the second time we have been through this together and they have been nothing short of amazing for my family. They sent me a bunch of sunflowers through FTD and I sent photos of them to my IM and they weren't perky enough for her so she called FTD and had them send me a new bunch! They also sent our family a check for 'the things I am going through' to help us to take care of the family for the time I might be down. She also was going to come down but I told her to stay home but promised that I would call her the moment I needed help from them! This is a true partnership-- their family and ours. And pray for my safety during the procedure. I can't help but be nervous, but I will be just fine!
We have agreed to work together as soon as we can but unfortunately, August is the month that the lab closes down to clean the facility so it looks like the soonest we might be able to transfer again is September because I don't think July is gonna happen! But we are working together again!! It is in the works!
I went off of the meds on Wednesday and played the game with the Family Health Clinic vs the OB Clinic-- You're not my problem, you're their problem! Then my PCM is on leave so I can't get any advice or treatment. Gotta love the way the system works! So anyhow, the OB clinic finally brought me back in as the miscarriage was not starting itself and had another ultrasound done. The doctor was very very thorough making sure that there wasn't even the slightest of a flicker of the fetal pole. The fetal pole was still visible where it should be beating, but it wasn't. The yolk sac continued to grow the gestational sac continued to grow but the baby never grew and there was never an actual heart beat.
These are ultrasounds done at 10w1d:
My body is not getting rid of the pregnancy even though the meds have been discontinued so at this point my options were either Cytotec or D&C. I have had both (from the same miscarriage) and the Cytotec was the devil because I was prescribed 6 pills one night and 6 pills 12 hours later. Seriously worse than a regular delivery and birth with no medication and on pitocin. Yes I have had both-- at least there is an end in sight during labor and delivery! The cramping was constant and made me so nauseous with the cytotec. Now that I am on the eve of the D&C, I am nervous. I know that its a 'routine' surgery and not a big risk but when you are signing waivers saying that you know that uterine perforation is a risk and asherman's syndrome and you have to go to the lab to be blood typed in case you need a transfusion-- then reality hits. This maybe is a serious surgery! (even if it is routine and outpatient-- the risk is real!)
So tomorrow at 2, send prayers up for my IPs as this is finality for this baby for them. This is the second time we have been through this together and they have been nothing short of amazing for my family. They sent me a bunch of sunflowers through FTD and I sent photos of them to my IM and they weren't perky enough for her so she called FTD and had them send me a new bunch! They also sent our family a check for 'the things I am going through' to help us to take care of the family for the time I might be down. She also was going to come down but I told her to stay home but promised that I would call her the moment I needed help from them! This is a true partnership-- their family and ours. And pray for my safety during the procedure. I can't help but be nervous, but I will be just fine!
We have agreed to work together as soon as we can but unfortunately, August is the month that the lab closes down to clean the facility so it looks like the soonest we might be able to transfer again is September because I don't think July is gonna happen! But we are working together again!! It is in the works!
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Ultrasound #2 Update
Sometimes we don't have adequate or eloquent words to convey the message that we need to tell. First I will just put it out there, then I will give the details. Today at the appt, there was no heartbeat.
Now that there is a big white elephant in the room, I will tell you more. This is my second miscarriage, this is their second miscarriage. The only time we have ever experienced a m/c is with each other. That does not make today any easier. They drove down here (a very turbulent and long trip laden with traffic) and we got to the appointment just in time.
The tech put the wand on my abdomen and immediately, I didn't see a heartbeat. The tech wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound so she asked me to undress while they were in the hall. When they came back in, an OB came with her which further solidified my intuition.
When they did the transvag ultrasound, there was one gestational sac with two yolks inside of it. Those were both empty and still. No flicker of a heartbeat. The sac measured 7w6d so the baby (ies?) had stopped growing either last week or the week before. What do you say about this?
I have always heard that surrogacy is a selfless act. That one gives part of themselves to another person/family for 9 months (or more). What is selfless is when you are faced with a situation like this and all you can think about is the other person before yourself. Who cares about me medically? Are they okay emotionally? For me it is easy to discern my feelings of grief. They are not for myself or even for the baby-- this is not my baby so it is hard to explain how removed I feel from the pregnancy. My friends, My Intended mother and Intended Father-- they are my initial concern. I can't imagine how they feel when I should be a part of the infertility solution and suddenly, I have become the problem -- twice.
I cannot harbor the grief or the blame. It was not my fault but I still dislike that inside of me, these embryos did not continue to grow. My body did what it needed to, it just wasn't meant to be.
Waiting on the RE to call me back and tell me how he wants to manage this loss-- medically, methodically or surgically. (Cytotec, natural m/c or D&C). I don't know what will be after the m/c or if we will continue. Right now we are handling this and getting through this before we make the next move... One step at a time.
"One Step At A Time"
Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch
You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting
[Chorus:]
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time
You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew
You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting
[Chorus]
When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It's your faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time
Now that there is a big white elephant in the room, I will tell you more. This is my second miscarriage, this is their second miscarriage. The only time we have ever experienced a m/c is with each other. That does not make today any easier. They drove down here (a very turbulent and long trip laden with traffic) and we got to the appointment just in time.
The tech put the wand on my abdomen and immediately, I didn't see a heartbeat. The tech wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound so she asked me to undress while they were in the hall. When they came back in, an OB came with her which further solidified my intuition.
When they did the transvag ultrasound, there was one gestational sac with two yolks inside of it. Those were both empty and still. No flicker of a heartbeat. The sac measured 7w6d so the baby (ies?) had stopped growing either last week or the week before. What do you say about this?
I have always heard that surrogacy is a selfless act. That one gives part of themselves to another person/family for 9 months (or more). What is selfless is when you are faced with a situation like this and all you can think about is the other person before yourself. Who cares about me medically? Are they okay emotionally? For me it is easy to discern my feelings of grief. They are not for myself or even for the baby-- this is not my baby so it is hard to explain how removed I feel from the pregnancy. My friends, My Intended mother and Intended Father-- they are my initial concern. I can't imagine how they feel when I should be a part of the infertility solution and suddenly, I have become the problem -- twice.
I cannot harbor the grief or the blame. It was not my fault but I still dislike that inside of me, these embryos did not continue to grow. My body did what it needed to, it just wasn't meant to be.
Waiting on the RE to call me back and tell me how he wants to manage this loss-- medically, methodically or surgically. (Cytotec, natural m/c or D&C). I don't know what will be after the m/c or if we will continue. Right now we are handling this and getting through this before we make the next move... One step at a time.
"One Step At A Time"
Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch
You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting
[Chorus:]
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time
You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew
You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting
[Chorus]
When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It's your faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time
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