Post Transfer Update! PUPO

Last week was a bit of a roller coaster when it came to how the transfer was going to go!  By the time Friday got here, I was feeling defeated!  On Thursday we got the news that all 4 of the 1 day embryos had arrested and none of them survived the thaw enough to be transferred.  In the past, we had crummy embryos to transfer so I thought the last two 5 day embryos were going to be of the same quality.  I was certainly being a Debbie Downer.

We left home at 8 am and headed to my godmother's where my children would be staying during transfer.  I got a text with the best news!  We had a fair and a good!  That was the best combination we had up to this point between all three transfers. 

Now I had a tough choice to make that I hope no one ever takes lightly.  We had a good and a fair and I have no intention of carrying twins.  Would I if I got pregnant with twins?  Yes.  But I don't think twins are cute or some kind of amazing commodity.  My IPs have twins already and their first surrogate was amazing and the pregnancy was so healthy so they have a very positive outlook on twins.  But even so, they know that the pregnancy was the easy part.  My IM does specifically want another set of twins either.  She knows how hard it is to raise them after they are born!

But we were still conflicted.  It seems like the choice would be easy to make.  After having one failed cycle, one blighted ovum at 10 wks and then defrosting 4 one day embies and having all of them arrest.... the decision was not that easy to make.  Was I willing to scrap a decent embie when we have had such bad luck with post-thaw quality?

I couldn't.  After talking to many surro friends, talking to my IM, talking to my husband and my other support network that would help me in the event something went wrong during the pregnancy, I knew that transferring both of them was the right decision for our situation.  This does not make me ignorant.  It does not make me stupid.  It does not mean that I think that twins won't happen to me. I am just praying for the best possible outcome with just ONE healthy PINK baby!  

At the time of transfer, our RE came in and he was having me sign the paperwork with how many embryos we were transferring.  He too thought that we should do both and he is a SET pusher usually.  These embryos have been frozen for 4 years and they are just not great so here are the cute little embryos that we transferred--I am saying that the top one stuck and its a girl (which is why I wore PINK for transfer-- sending those girl vibes because my IM needs a little girl in her life!)

Just as a little lesson, the top one is the good embryo and the bottom is the fair embryo.  See the shell around the embryo?   When the shell gets full, then it cracks open and the embryo hatches and then implants into the lining if it is going take.  The bottom embyro does not fill the shell and it looks like 'noise' and is jumbled.  

More photos from transfer:

Pre-transfer

The lovely view I have -- every woman's worst nightmare!

My husband was so surprised by how many people were in the room for transfer!  4 nurses, one embryo doctor, the RE and my husband and myself!

The embryologist and the incubator behind her!

Bed resting it after the transfer for 30 minutes!

An image of my uterus and when the embryos are released into the lining.

We are so lucky that the clinic records the transfer so we can record it!

Overall, transfer was perfect and everything went well!  Just waiting until a reasonable window when I can start testing!!!  And for now, I am PUPO  (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise!!)

Third Time's a Charm!!

Well here it is... basically on the eve of our third cycle!

I have had a delightful summer since we were forced to take it off.  Of course I would much rather be about 4-5 months pregnant by now rather than starting over but sometimes God makes decisions for you and you have to roll with the punches.... So here we are ready for the third transfer.

Friday is our transfer and the cycle has kind of been all abnormal-- maybe I am out of practice having a few months off.  My lining was 10mm last week on Wednesday and the clinic did not reopen from FDA cleaning until this past Monday.  We were planning on waiting until my IPs came back from their summer vacation but my lining had other plans.  I suppose it is an overachiever.  So we had to bump it up 5 days earlier to get it done this week.

Four 1d embryos were thawed on Monday to grow out to 5day embryos.  On Friday we will decide if we should thaw out any of the 5 day embryos once we see what these embryos will do.  Right now 3 are still growing but slowly and they think as of right now, they are fair in their grade.  This could be upgraded to good or could be downgraded to poor depending on how they continue to grow. 

The pressure is on for this cycle.  I mean surrogacy has always been full of pressure due to the nature of the whole situation.  I am trying so hard to be a part of their dream and a part of their solution rather than being a part of a problem.  Obviously my uterus is fine as it continued to grow a blighted ovum but we as surrogates always second guess everything.  We can play 'could have, would have, should have' all day long but that will not change the outcome.

So now here we are... cycle #3, an amount of money that has already been invested in me and we are at the 'How many should we transfer?' question again.  Our contracts say ONE.  We agreed on ONE but obviously the quality of the embryos are not working in our favor.  First cycle we transferred one FAIR.  Negative Cycle.  Second cycle we transferred TWO, one fair, one poor.  We had a blighted ovum that ended in D&C at 10+ weeks.  Now how many?

My IPs are asking for me to consider 2 fair quality embryos.  I would transfer 2 poor, One fair/One Poor, but I am not sure how I feel about 2 fairs and certainly not two goods.  Their first surrogate transferred two good fresh embryos and they have adorable, healthy twin boys that are 3.  But these embryos are 4 years old now.  And I just don't know what to do.  Their first surrogate had a text book beautiful pregnancy and delivery and delivered around 38 weeks with an induction.  She did have a short time in the hospital due to high blood pressure at the end of the pregnancy (i think!?!) but everything else was so textbook.  I have seen twins born early and I am so nervous. I don't want to be the reason that happens.  I don't want to feel the guilt of knowing that transferring two caused detriment to a baby's life.  I mean if it all went well, then great, but what if... What part would I feel in that? 

I will sit back and wait and see what Friday brings us but I won't have the IPs there... They will just be a phone call away and together we will make this decision, but just not knowing leaves me feeling unsettled!!  Wish us luck... We are needing it after all of these cycles-- good luck, prayers, juju, thoughts, sticky vibes, baby dust... whatever you got, we want!

New Transfer on the Horizon

Ever wonder what it feels like to have a period post failed cycle or post D&C?  Like an African tribal dancer dancing around in your intestines with a machete.  It's down right miserable.  I have never had periods this bad in my life.  Some days I feel like 'Today I am either going to bleed to death or I am going to require a transfusion'.  Tomorrow is going to work even less in my favor.  Gravity sucks and I am running 7 miles.  Must wear black pants.  I learned that last month with my khaki short fiasco at Sam's Club.  Mortifying. 

But with all of this complaining, I have a silver lining.  Today is CD2.  You know what that means?  Estrogen started today and we get to climb back in the old surrogacy saddle and give it another go! Estrogen means headaches, but that's okay.  This month is hectic with a trip to Maine, followed by some rather strict working things with Kurt which means childcare will be a beast when its time for transfer. I am a woman.  I am resourceful and resilient and I will figure this out.  I always do.

I am still waiting for a follow call from the RE to find out when the tentative transfer date will be and also if I am allowed to run my half marathon in September!!  I am thinking transfer will be around August 25-27. 

I am ready to get this started.  Looks like I need to go peruse Amazon and the internet for some Pregnancy tests.  I only have a few left out of my hundred I had.  Not nearly enough for the level of obsession that surrogates deal with!

Onward and upward... I am so happy the sun is finally shining here after weeks of rain.  

Running is Running through my head...

Running runs through my heads, through my veins, in my heart.  It is not something I expect someone to understand who has never done it.  It is a team sport and an individual sport.  How can that be?  I am an individual that competes against myself with the team of Stroller Warriors behind me.  It has changed me. Physically, emotionally, mentally.  Running seems like it is just cardio.  How could anyone like it let alone love it?  

I felt that way at this time last year when I started my journey placing one foot in front of the other.  My feet smacking the pavement became cadence in my head.  It became therapeutic to get out there and try to complete my goal of the day.  Even more therapeutic when I actually accomplished my goal and did better than anticipated.  So many times I just didn't want to go out and just going out there and moving was my whole goal.  I hated every minute about running on those days.  I was elated when I was done.  But not because I was finished running but that I did it at all.  Running helped me to lose 55 lbs -- weight that if I did not lose, I would not have been qualified to be a surrogate by most Reproductive Endocrinologists.

Running is one of the few sports/activities that you can actively and repeatedly get better and see results.  Today I ran a little further.  Maybe a little faster. Maybe I ran a little bit further than I did without having to walk.  Maybe I did one mile at a faster pace than yesterday.  Maybe 3 miles at a faster pace than I have ever done.  Maybe my overall pace was faster than I usually run.   My point is there is always room for improvement and you can always see that improvement.  When you have a bad run, you run again tomorrow and try to hit your goal once again.  You never fail at running unless you just don't get out there. 

You're wondering how any of this has to do with surrogacy aren't you?  Why would I put this on a blog that is seemingly about surrogacy?  Well today my IM texted me about our upcoming cycle.  If I started my period this week, there was a chance for an embryo transfer in July before the clinic closes for the FDA cleaning/inventory for the month of August.  Then I would be doing a transfer just about 6 weeks after the loss/D&C.  I have been training for a half marathon and had my goals for my first half marathon (13.1 miles for all of you non runners!) to be on September 20 for the Marine Corps Half aboard Camp Lejeune.  

Last year when my running journey started, I wanted to quit so many times.  I just thought I was never going to be able to run a mile straight.  13.1 was unfathomable.  I ran my first race (a 10k-- 6.2 miles) in October but my first experience with races was at the Marine Corps Half -- I stood out there and rooted on my sister Stroller Warriors at mile 11 of the race.  I was that little bit of incentive for them to keep going when they wanted to quit so close to the end. I have been waiting for *this* race to be my first half-- I have run a 10 mile race, but I wanted to reach out and grasp that extra 3 miles!  

With that being said, it is a HUGE goal of mine to get that half run and I wanted to run it this year.  But sometimes dreams and goals evolve and change.  Surrogacy has been a dream of mine for 6 years.  Lord knows I have taken every fork in the road, hit every speed bump in forward and reverse and taken the off beaten paths (through the woods, through the creek, climbed every mountain-- even the ones I didn't have to) but hey-- I am still in this 'race'  of surrogacy and I am going to see this one through-- all the way to the finish line.

Since this is more of a 'time is of the essence' goal, I am postponing my half.  I can't risk paying to register for it and be on bedrest or not fully prepared for the race.  I plan to find another race at the end of October or sometime in November.  That should be plenty of time to get ready after a transfer and if everything goes smoothly this time, I will have a mini-warrior on board for my first half-- That baby will be well traveled!  Mom and dad will need to get a baby carrier and go run laps around the block to get the baby to sleep at night! 

I am still sad that I won't be able to run the Marine Corps Half, but I will be out there rooting on the Stroller Warriors, maybe even run a couple miles with those who need some moving support.  Its a change in my direction, but I am still going towards the finish line....

Life Ain't Always Beautiful...

Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time


Happiness does sometimes have a way of taking its sweet time.  Sometimes the joy of the journey is found on the ride to get to the destination.  Slow down, take it in, enjoy those small moments.

This week was not a happy one but it was full of happy moments.  That sounds weirdly optimistic doesn't it?  I am not happy how that cycle ended by any means.  But I am happy that I have my best friend and husband at my side to support me and that I have the best IPs any girl could ever ask for. 


My IPs and I are on the same page.  I caught some grief this week about posting a smiling picture after my D&C.  It was my FB but I could understand how it could potentially hurt someone who has faced infertility or a loss in whatever way.  I apologized for being insensitive.  My IM did not feel pain over my picture.  She felt relief that I was well physically and because of that, I am ready to cycle again whenever it is time to do so.  She was outraged that someone would suggest that maybe I hurt her by posting such a thing.  She is in my corner and I am so lucky that I have someone so supportive of everything I do and say.  She truly is a blessing and though this road took 6 years to get here, we know how this feels to go through this together.  We know what the feelings are.  This is not our first time at this particular rodeo. 


What is next? I have been asked this a lot.  Everything went well physically with my D&C.  I need to wait for my next period, then I would be able to start meds for our next transfer.  My period should be in 4-6 weeks with transfer another 2.5 weeks after that.  The clinic is closed for August for annual FDA cleaning so it looks like we won't be able to cycle again until September.  But that is okay.  I get to give my body 3 months of a break. I get to get back in shape and lose the weight I have put on from 2 back to back cycles and 10 wks of pregnancy.  I get to train for my half marathon in September and I get to enjoy my summer vacation with my family and as Dr. Steingold (My RE) put it "You get to drink heavily and enjoy your vacation!"  Well the doctor said to do it... so maybe just maybe at the Luke Bryan Concert I am going to at the end of this month, I will have a few adult beverages, let my hair down and enjoy this time that was stolen back for the summer.  It does not mean I would rather do this than being pregnant, but I have to find the silver lining somewhere.

Cheers! 

Update-- D&C Tomorrow

Just as an update since it has been over a week....

I went off of the meds on Wednesday and played the game with the Family Health Clinic vs the OB Clinic-- You're not my problem, you're their problem!  Then my PCM is on leave so I can't get any advice or treatment.  Gotta love the way the system works!  So anyhow, the OB clinic finally brought me back in as the miscarriage was not starting itself and had another ultrasound done.  The doctor was very very thorough making sure that there wasn't even the slightest of a flicker of the fetal pole.  The fetal pole was still visible where it should be beating, but it wasn't.  The yolk sac continued to grow the gestational sac continued to grow but the baby never grew and there was never an actual heart beat. 

These are ultrasounds done at 10w1d:

My body is not getting rid of the pregnancy even though the meds have been discontinued so at this point my options were either Cytotec or D&C.  I have had both (from the same miscarriage) and the Cytotec was the devil because I was prescribed 6 pills one night and 6 pills 12 hours later.  Seriously worse than a regular delivery and birth with no medication and on pitocin.  Yes I have had both-- at least there is an end in sight during labor and delivery!  The cramping was constant and made me so nauseous with the cytotec.  Now that I am on the eve of the D&C, I am nervous.  I know that its a 'routine' surgery and not a big risk but when you are signing waivers saying that you know that uterine perforation is a risk and asherman's syndrome and you have to go to the lab to be blood typed in case you need a transfusion-- then reality hits.  This maybe is a serious surgery!  (even if it is routine and outpatient-- the risk is real!) 

So tomorrow at 2, send prayers up for my IPs as this is finality for this baby for them.  This is the second time we have been through this together and they have been nothing short of amazing for my family.  They sent me a bunch of sunflowers through FTD and I sent photos of them to my IM and they weren't perky enough for her so she called FTD and had them send me a new bunch!  They also sent our family a check for 'the things I am going through' to help us to take care of the family for the time I might be down.  She also was going to come down but I told her to stay home but promised that I would call her the moment I needed help from them!  This is a true partnership-- their family and ours. And pray for my safety during the procedure. I can't help but be nervous, but I will be just fine! 

We have agreed to work together as soon as we can but unfortunately, August is the month that the lab closes down to clean the facility so it looks like the soonest we might be able to transfer again is September because I don't think July is gonna happen!  But we are working together again!!  It is in the works!

Ultrasound #2 Update

Sometimes we don't have adequate or eloquent words to convey the message that we need to tell.  First I will just put it out there, then I will give the details.  Today at the appt, there was no heartbeat.  

Now that there is a big white elephant in the room, I will tell you more.  This is my second miscarriage, this is their second miscarriage.  The only time we have ever experienced a m/c is with each other.  That does not make today any easier.  They drove down here (a very turbulent and long trip laden with traffic) and we got to the appointment just in time.

The tech put the wand on my abdomen and immediately, I didn't see a heartbeat.  The tech wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound so she asked me to undress while they were in the hall.  When they came back in, an OB came with her which further solidified my intuition.  

When they did the transvag ultrasound, there was one gestational sac with two yolks inside of it.  Those were both empty and still.  No flicker of a heartbeat.  The sac measured 7w6d so the baby (ies?) had stopped growing either last week or the week before.  What do you say about this?

I have always heard that surrogacy is a selfless act.  That one gives part of themselves to another person/family for 9 months (or more).  What is selfless is when you are faced with a situation like this and all you can think about is the other person before yourself.  Who cares about me medically?  Are they okay emotionally?  For me it is easy to discern my feelings of grief.  They are not for myself or even for the baby-- this is not my baby so it is hard to explain how removed I feel from the pregnancy.  My friends, My Intended mother and Intended Father-- they are my initial concern.  I can't imagine how they feel when I should be a part of the infertility solution and suddenly, I have become the problem -- twice.  

I cannot harbor the grief or the blame.  It was not my fault but I still dislike that inside of me, these embryos did not continue to grow.  My body did what it needed to, it just wasn't meant to be.

Waiting on the RE to call me back and tell me how he wants to manage this loss-- medically, methodically or surgically.  (Cytotec, natural m/c or D&C).  I don't know what will be after the m/c or if we will continue.  Right now we are handling this and getting through this before we make the next move... One step at a time.

"One Step At A Time"

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus:]
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus]

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It's your faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

Week 8 Update and the not so desirable aspects of surrogacy

The baby has been growing for 6 weeks now and s/he started off as about 20 cells and is now the size of a raspberry.  Amazingly the baby will continue to grow at about a millimeter a day and looks more like a baby and less like a salamander.  I only have 32 weeks to go left of this pregnancy and only 4 more weeks of this stinking medicine!! 

This week I have experienced my first craving.  Salt and Pepper.  Really?  It can't be something fun like fruit or candy?  No it is salt and pepper.  I have been eating cucumbers everyday and putting salt and pepper on those, then taking the last few cucumbers and dragging them across the plate to get the left over salt and pepper.  When we were at Chick-Fil-A last week, I had a salad for dinner.  When I was up getting condiments, I smelled the black pepper through the packets and had to have it on my fries and salad!! 

While people think about the warm and fuzzies of surrogacy, I think many times they see the beauty (or money in some cases!) and don't realize that there is an ugly side too!

Here are some examples of the less desirable parts of surrogacy:

• No sex now for 16 weeks.  That means nothing in the vagina except medication for 16 weeks.  I was joking with my IM the other day about this and she said to get creative.  That brings me to my next point.
• Vaginal suppositories are no picnic.  One of my surro friends will not work with a clinic that uses vaginal suppositories.  The progesterone suppositories are the size of quarters and I have to do 3 of these a day. Gravity sucks and what goes in, sometimes comes out... A lot of oozy white mess.  Kinda hard to be 'creative' in the relations department when you have that going on down there... At least my husband is serviced.  Even worse when you are wearing a black bathing suit bottom at the beach and of course no panty liner... more bonus points when its Memorial Day Weekend and the beach is crowded and there is no TP in the bathhouse either DOH!
• Pantyliners for 14 weeks during hot summer and while running sucks and its smelly.  I constantly smell like sweat.  Yuck!! I never wear pads/panty liners any other time but the constant oozing requires it.
• The constant oozing has me running to the bathroom multiple times a day just knowing that I started severely bleeding.  It is never blood, but I am constantly worried that it is.  
• Compensation-- Sometimes you don't get compensated until you are nearly in the second trimester.  Compensation is a touchy subject for most-- some people get a lot of money, some don't get compensated at all.  Some people start compensation at beta (I recommend this if you are being compensated or at least splitting the comp between beta and heartbeat because in the event that there is a miscarriage, then the surrogate is still compensated for the time she was pregnant and taking the medications because go back to the top-- medications suck!)
• When making appointments, you are not the only person whose schedule must be considered.  Intended parents want to be there as much as you need to be there.  Sometimes it means changing your own schedule so that IPs can attend an appointment.  Considerations most don't think about when signing that contract...
• Speaking of contracts, there are many things I am not allowed to do according to my contract.  Get dental cleaning in the first trimester, eat queso at Mexican restaurants, no manicures or pedicures, no lunch meat, no soft cheese, and darn it, I cannot change the kitty litter (most of these my IM said -- meh, it was in the standard contract, if my baby wants queso, give the baby queso!

While I just highlighted a half a dozen negative aspects of surrogacy, none of the negate the happy outcome of the journey itself.   The journey to get to the end result is beautiful, the scenery and the experience amazing, even if there are a few pot holes or wrong turns along the way.

As an update to the baby, we will be having another ultrasound next Wednesday, June 4 which is also my son's 4th Birthday <3 Wish us luck, prayers, good grow baby vibes-- whatever you've got!  We are hoping to see a nice strong heartbeat for this baby because the fetal pole was barely visible (if at all) at the last ultrasound.  At the time of the first ultrasound, we were 6w6d pg and the next one we will be 9w1d pg.  So we need good vibes! 

I will feel better when...

This is an ongoing thing.  I am not sure if it is surrogacy specific, but it seems to be worse in surrogate pregnancy.  This little saying goes a little something like this:

• I will feel better when we find out the quality of the embryos after the thaw.
• I will feel better when I get my first positive pregnancy test.
• I will feel better when the lines get darker.
• I will feel better when the test line gets as dark as the control line.
• I will feel better when I have a positive normal beta.
• I will feel better when I have a beta with a doubling time of 48 hours.
• I will feel better when I see the baby on ultrasound.
• I will feel better when I see the baby's heartbeat on ultrasound.
• I will feel better when I make it out of the first trimester.
• I will feel better when everything looks normal on the anatomy scan.
• I will feel better when I make it to viability.
• I will feel better when I make it to 32 weeks because the baby has an excellent chance of being healthy.
• I will feel better when baby reaches full term.
• I will feel better when the baby is born safely and into his or her mother & father's arms.
• I will feel better when the baby is released from the hospital to go home.
• I will feel better when I have enough milk that the family has a nice stash.

Does the worrying ever end?  The family has invested so many emotions and money into ME, into MY womb and I will just feel better when the baby gets here.  I never thought about these things with my own pregnancy.  You lose your own baby and its sad, its hard, but its a personal and intimate thing between you and your husband/partner.  You lose the baby of a surrogacy and you have added more people into that intimate circle-- not in a bad way, but you definitely have more people that can feel hurt or people that you feel that you let down.

Today was our ultrasound-- That is where all of this is stemming from.  My intended mother texted me yesterday from the urgent care clinic where she was just diagnosed with a double ear infection and a sinus infection.  She still wanted to come down for the appointment to see her baby, but she would need her mom to drive the 4 hours to my town.  She wanted to know the name of a hotel close by but I would not have that!  I love spending time with her (and her mom too!) so I opened my house to them and I am so glad I did.  We sat around the kitchen table last night and talked for hours.  My IM is a military brat herself, her dad was career AF and mom served in the Navy for several years.  It was nice talking to her mom about how things are now for spouses and how they used to be.  We could have talked for even longer but we decided to go to bed around 10.

This morning once they got up (they both got to sleep in and it was well deserved since IM chases preschool twin boys all day!), we went to breakfast where she gave me this beautiful, sentimental necklace for my birthday/Mother's Day.  

 

In the card it spoke of how she appreciated that I was making her a mama bird of three babies just like I was a mama bird of three babies.  I just Love this necklace!!  

We went over to base and we all went into the ultrasound room.  That meant that Surrogate, Mom and Grandma all got to see first peek at baby!  When they did the ultrasound, they found ONE little baby in the uterus. My left ovary was angry with a cyst larger than an inch on it.  The sac was there with the yolk and a tiny little fetal pole.  The sac was measuring 6w0d.  We are currently 6w6d.  The tech said that usually this early, the sac measures 4-7 days small because there is a certain degree of inaccuracy with measuring it since it is so tiny.  I have to go back in a couple weeks to get another ultrasound so we can measure the heartbeat at that time since it is so early. 

These are photos of the sac and in the photo on the left, the little circle in the sac beside the other circle is the fetal pole.  The other larger circle inside the sac is the yolk.  The other one is a slightly zoomed out photo of the sac and the yolk inside of it.

Right now we will continue to be cautiously optimistic and send lots of GROW BABY GROW vibes!!

After my IM and her mom left, I went and took a nap with my husband who got off of work early!  Then got Leah off of the bus and Kurt went and got the little kids from daycare.  When I was sitting on the couch working on school work, the babysitter walked in and I was confused because I hadn't booked her.  Well my husband did for an early birthday dinner!  He took me to Chili's then Target to get my estrogen refilled.  Finally he took me to Lane Bryant to get some new bras because when I lost weight, I lost boobs.  I am happy to say I am a 35DD which makes it really hard to find bras, but I was able to order some from Lane Bryant in 36DD-- Their bras are THE BEST!!  I love them and I am sad that all of my 36DDD and Es are too big for me now...

6wks and cue the nausea!

We are 6 wks today.  After a bit of a roller coaster with the hospital, we finally have an u/s appt set up!  I have permission to deliver at Naval but some turd had a superiority complex and wanted to verify over and over if I was 'eligible' since I was a surrogate and they wanted to know who was footing this bill.  This guy is merely the person who makes the appointments for the OB department and I only need ONE appt there because my PCM will continue care after this one ultrasound that the RE requires... Needless to say, the person in charge of OIC billing gave me the approval and has our contract on file and she went ahead and called the OB turd and got the wheels spinning!  We now have an appt set up for Monday at 1150 for dating!  So excited!!  Only M can make this trip due to S's work obligations but that's okay-- many more appointments for him to come to and he will be able to see a photo of his baby growing!

This morning I experienced my first bout of nausea.  I am COMPLETELY convinced that sleep quality directly impacts intensity of morning sickness.  Too bad its not MORNING sickness for me but instead, all day sickness.  I woke up feeling shaky, dizzy and flat out nauseous but that didn't stop at morning, it continued... ALL day.  Add to that, sweating like I am having hot flashes in menopause and I was miserable.  It was because Piper was up many times lastnight for extended periods.  My sleep quality was nil and I totally felt it today!

Beta Number 2 and 5w2d update

So I am running a bit behind with updating but we had our second beta on Monday.  The way this works is the faster the doubling rate, the more of a chance of multiples, the longer the doubling, it is more indicative of a pregnancy in peril such as a chemical pregnancy.  So the normal beta doubling rates for a healthy singleton is 48-72 hours.  Our doubling rate was 49.37 so we have a normal, boring doubling number which is FANTASTIC!  I need to schedule my ultrasound for 7 weeks but I have to wait for the referral to go through.  Other notes are that my estrogen is 722 (on the high end of normal so it is no wonder I am having headaches.)  My progesterone is also good at 39.5.  They won't change my meds or lower them until after my ultrasound. 

 

I thought it might be fun to update weekly or monthly with the current size of the baby and what is going on with the baby this week/month.  Currently their baby is starting to grow its heart the heart will be divided into 4 chambers by the end of this week.  Pretty awesome feat if you ask me.  Luckily I have not experienced nausea... YET, but according to babycenter, that should start in the upcoming weeks... swell.  I had the worst nausea from pretty much conception to 22 wks with piper resulting in only an 8 lb gain from conception to week 39.  Then I put another 8 lbs of water weight on!! I am hoping to avoid that mess this time around!  The only real symptoms I am feeling is extreme fatigue which was unfortunate these past two weeks with my midterms last week and a ton of writing this week.  I also am getting shaky between meals so I have to eat a little something every 2 hours.  Its funny how quickly our bodies change when when we get pregnant.  Finally.... pee pee pee pee pee!!  And not on sticks anymore.  I peed on 90 of those this cylce in case you were wondering!  

  

Just a little glimpse of the insides so you can see how small the baby is inside the uterus.  I love these images from babycenter!  The placenta is starting to develop this week too!  Pretty soon it will take over and start producing the hormones that I am taking to sustain pregnancy.  Usually you are done with those by 12 weeks!  I will be so happy to be done with the headaches and also done with the ooey gooey goopy mess in my undies!!  I won't miss having to wear panty liners 24/7!!  

Will try to update next week!!  Hopefully with an ultrasound date, maybe even I will set the appointment up by tomorrow!  

Seeing double or not? That is the question....

I have had so many well wishes in private messages-- people wondering "Well... are you testing?"  Yes I am.  Of course I am.  Is the Pope Catholic?  But I wasn't ready to say yay or nay yet for whether or not I was pregnant. 

Let me give you some background information.  It was 5 years ago nearly to the day that M&S were sitting in the doctors office with me to see their first baby's heartbeat.  I will never ever forget that day and the look on their faces when they saw their baby alive and real!  It was amazing!  

When they left the room for me to get dressed, the doctor came back in.  He asked if I was sure that the baby was indeed my intended parents as the baby was measuring small.  What can I say?  He was candid in his conversations with me.  I knew that the baby was theirs without a shadow of doubt in my mind because the traditional way of getting pregnant required sex and that wasn't happening at that point in my life.  I kind of knew at that moment that something wasn't right.  I was to come back in a week to see if the baby had caught up in growth and size to the right gestation.  

When I went back on the 5th of May (Crazy that I remember the date so clearly!) another ultrasound was done and the baby had stopped growing the week before likely the same day of the first ultrasound.  We were all devastated.  The doctor wanted me to have a D&C that afternoon to remove the baby from my uterus as my body was not expelling the baby on its own.  Physical recovery from the D&C was far easier than the emotional recovery.  

We all agreed to take a step back and take some time before proceeding with another attempt at pregnancy.  (I know this is a little redundant from my first blog post, but the memory is clear to me today as it was exactly 5 years ago).  They went onto have 2 gorgeous boys through another surrogate and they will be 3 in just a few days!  Crazy how life comes in a full circle.  

But the feelings I had back then have come back... What if this doesn't work?  What if I have a positive test then it ends up in a chemical or I have a miscarriage?  I then effectively become part of the problem rather than part of the solution.  I don't ever want to feel like I let my IPs down by not being able to carry their baby.  Miscarriages happen, Chemical pregnancies happen.  We can't prevent them but it does not make it easier for the surrogates who have been through them when you have that nagging feeling of "What if I did this different..."  Surrogacy is a beautiful thing but it leaves more parties feeling the emotions of loss or the elation of a birth....  It is a double edged sword for sure!  

So how many people read the whole thing before scrolling down to the photos first?

Me trying to will people into seeing a line that may or may not have been there in person. 

Oh yes, invert it... Then they will see it for sure.  Go ahead and do that screen tilt!

I am certain I see a line here... or do I?

Invert this one, try to save it from the App and accidentally post it on FB for the world to see... IM is subscribed to my FB notifications so I had to lie and say it was a friends.. Sorry for those who played along with my game.  My IM believed me too!  I was afraid she would see it if I didn't make up a story to go with it... I told her the truth though.  There IS a faint line in this photo and to me, its clear as day. 

Stupid blue line test-- its a vertical line not a + sign.  Its there, just faint. 

This made me sad to see 'Not Pregnant'  That to me equates NOT COOL! 

Oh sweet baby Jesus, I need to delete photos. I have 1400 on my phone and 75% are pee stick analysis. 

All of these tests have a line, as you can see, the 5.75 days past transfer is getting quite dark...

Too bad my IM knows me so well... I ask her if she wants to meet me for lunch on her way up the interstate tomorrow... She responds with knowing that I have something to give her... Like a positive pregnancy test!

That is right... We did do it!  

Lines on both of these too... just hard to see since they are cheapies.

My collection.. I have spent about $100 this cycle on tests.   Unless you have seriously had a hard time conceiving, or you are a surrogate, you probably don't understand the need. 

This is the worst wait of your life... Can't stand the wait of just staring at it... Anyone hearing jeopardy in their head?  Ill take it back to the kitchen so I can continue dinner prep... With a line like I got on the last test, it is going to be positive...

WTF?  No really... WTF???   I have darkish lines and still negative.... I was waiting for a positive digi before I told the world...

You know what, this is a substantial positive test... It is official!! I have their bun in my oven!

Even with those pretty lines on those tests, I cannot let myself relax.  I know what happened last time. I have had friends who had chemicals and blighted ovums.  I haven't had that elusive positive digital pregnancy test-- maybe tomorrow.  I am just so afraid of something happening... not to the point I am stressing over it, but I want this to work for them!!  I have my beta on Friday (10.5dp5dt or about 15.5dpo) then again on Monday.  I should have my first ultrasound around 7 weeks which will be about 3 weeks from now... Wish us luck and that this baby sticks around for about 8 more months!  I am relieved that it worked as well as being relieved that I didn't get my first positive until about 5dp5dt which means it is likely just one little baby that stuck around!   

This is how I feel right now...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTyN-vvFIkE

Yeah that is how I feel right now....

What is the answer?  You want to know too don't you?!

Yep, still listening to that Jeopardy music.. Its an hour long. 

You think I have tested yet??

I bet you think I have... But I have abstained from tests.  It is taking every bit of my self-control to keep those tests in the cabinet.  I am just 2 days past transfer.... Maybe tomorrow night because I am that crazy....

Maybe just one little cheapie test would be okay tonight?....

Noooo I will not succumb to this innate desire!!! 

The saying goes "It takes a village..."

So the old saying goes "It takes a village to raise a child" but sometimes it takes a village to create a child!  The average couple it takes a man and a woman and sometimes a bottle of wine or a couple of shots of tequila.  The process of surrogacy most certainly have enough people involved that it could populate a small village!

First lets talk about the obvious players.  Of course my Intended Parents -- They are the key players in this.  They are friends of mine and have been for about 6 years now.   They are wonderful parents to their two little twin boys via surrogacy.  So then I have to thank their previous surrogate for making them parents.  How amazing of a gift did she give them-- that unconditional love that is like no other.  They also used an egg donor to create these embryos as the condition that my Intended Mother had caused her to not have any viable eggs and the medication she continued on was not conducive with carrying a pregnancy at all.  Of course there are the doctors and nursing staff that facilitated all of this for them and used their expertise to bring them to parenthood and my doctor who helps manage my care from here so I don't have to drive 8 hours round trip to the clinic 3 times during a cycle to have my lining checked.  Their family who supported their dreams and provided child care for their boys when they needed it and their friends and families who embraced this crazy journey called surrogacy.  That's a village!! 

We have our own little village of support here in our house as well.  My husband supports my choice to be a surrogate.  It is not without sacrifices.  In our contract we agree to things like abstaining from sexual relations (we have been in contract since February so do the math!) as we cannot chance getting pregnant with our own.  I give up things like swimming in ponds and lakes and traveling certain distances away from our home hospital after a certain gestation or traveling outside of the US at all.  I have to travel from the house for transfer and put trips on hold due to uncertainty of cycling.  My whole family has to suffer when I am moody from the hormones or just feel like crying and not making dinner (the meds are no joke!)  

Finally, the rest of my village is my neighbors.  My neighbors who step up and say "We will help  with childcare and NO we will not take payment!"  My neighbors are part of my support system and they are friends.  Sometimes I need someone to watch my kids at obscene hours in the morning or get my child off of the bus and within moments of posting my request on FB, someone has come forward and offered and the astonishing part is they expect nothing in return.  These ladies are amazing.  I want to acknowledge a few by name as these girls are there for me every step of the way and willing to pitch in and help with child care when I am in a bind--  Amy, Stephanie and Nikki-- Thank you for being an unconditional friend who is there for me no matter what.  You are appreciated!!!  My other friends (near and far!) also message me and ask me how I am.  Just thinking about me or checking in on me is part of making this baby!! 

Of course we have to talk about God being the Mayor of this village.  Yes I know we are 'playing' with science when doing artificial reproduction methods, but without his hand guiding the doctor and making these technologies available these people would not be parents.  God has the biggest hand in this.  

To everyone involved in some way-- You are amazing!! You are making dreams come true!  

Now.... Onto this month's cycle because I know everyone is waiting for that!! I should really do a better job of doing updating in between appointments because my blog posts end up looking like a novel.. 

So this month's transfer was yesterday.  After our failed cycle last month, we dusted ourselves off and started again.  As soon as we had the failed beta results, I stopped progesterone and estrogen and within 2 days, my cycle started.  The next day I started estrogen again.  And fast forward 16 days and transfer was yesterday.  

I dropped the younger two kids off at daycare and made the 4 hour hike to Virginia.  I got to my IPs took a short nap and when I woke up IM (Intended Mother) was on the phone with Daniel, the embryologist with some bad news.  The first embryo that was thawed did not survive the thaw.  It just didn't grow anymore.  They thawed another, it grew a little then collapsed.  They thawed another and it was rated at a fair.  

I also learned that what they thought was 18 embryos on ice was not really 18 embryos.  They had 6 frozen 5 day embryos (Meaning they were grown for 5 days then frozen).  The other 12 were fertilized and frozen within the first day.  These 12 have no grades of quality assigned to them as they had not grown.  It is said 40-50% of these 12 will continue to grow when they are thawed so if you are a math person, that is somewhere around 5 of the 12 will be of any decent quality. The rest will not grow.   So we started with 18 embryos.  6 were 5 day but now there are only 2 of those 5 day left and who knows how they will thaw.  and 12 of unknown quality of which only 4-5 will probably be any good.  Make sense?

We went to transfer and we were waiting for the doctor to come in to the transfer room.  When he came in, he said he had stopped by the embryologists lab and said that the one that had collapsed had resumed growing again but still was poor quality.  The other was rated at only a fair.  He is a very conservative doctor and will only transfer one good quality but we clearly were not dealing with this.  He asked what we wanted to do... This was a hard choice.

I was very much on the single embryo transfer kick... that is what I wanted.  That is what my IPs wanted (it is in our contract) and that is what the doctor usually would recommend.  He gave us time to make our decision and left the room.  We talked it out but yet we still could not come to a conclusion.   He came back and we asked for more time.  Time elapsed and no one felt pressured.  When he came back my IF asked this one question and this one question is what gave us the answer. 

His question was "Doctor, we plan on doing this until we run out of embryos.  Knowing that, would you still transfer 2?" and the doctor said "Yes I would.  Of this quality, I think it is the best chance for success of a singleton pregnancy."  When the embryologist wheeled the embryos in the incubator, he also concurred.

So for all of you experienced surrogates out there shaking your fist at me, I understand.  I know your arguments and they are VERY valid.  We did not just toss back 3 great quality embryos thinking "Multiples won't happen to us"  We did not do this without having a plan or without being lectured by some of my best friends who are also experienced multiples carriers.  I know the risks.  I know the chances of problems with a twin pregnancy.  I considered all of these risks.  I know if I get pregnant, it will be hard.  Harder than I can even anticipate.  We made a very calculated decision, there was nothing careless or dismissive about our decision.  We have a plan in the event of a hard or troubled pregnancy.  We are prepared though you can never be 100% prepared for all of the what ifs of twins or any pregnancy for that matter.  But we are still all hoping for ONE embryo to stick around resulting in a healthy SINGLETON. 

So please, instead of lecturing me, it's already done and over with.  There are two little embryos in me trying to find a place to nestle in.  One can go ahead and stay, the other can say adios to its brother or sister!! 

Here are some photos from our exciting day!  

Typical Transfer Torture Devices!  The gigantic swabs are to clean up the cervix before they thread the catheter through with the hemostats. 

My gorgeous IM and myself just before transfer

Is your bladder full enough to visualize the uterus?  What if I push the U/S probe down to your tailbone?

The transfer is about to happen.  Daniel (the embryologist is about to pull the embryos out)

But first, the proud daddy gets to check them out through the microscope!

Here it goes!! The embryologist is looking on, watching those embryos go to their new home.  

There they are, that little white dot are the embryos in my uterus. 

The embryos.   The top one is the poor quality embryo that collapsed then started to grow again.  This one likely won't hatch out of its shell but we gave it a chance.  The bottom one is the 'fair' embryo.  Ideally the embryo would fill the whole outer circle and look like the below embryo that I snagged a picture from the internet for comparison. 

Before hatching, a blast usually has more than 150 cells. 

This blast is hatching out of its shell. 

As you can see with our blasts compared to the 'good' quality blasts, ours are not as good of quality.  I have heard that ugly embryos can make beautiful babies.  Pray for us to just have ONE stick around for the next 9 months!

Will update in a few days once we start peeing on sticks AND we have a positive.... Stay tuned!