Seeing double or not? That is the question....

I have had so many well wishes in private messages-- people wondering "Well... are you testing?"  Yes I am.  Of course I am.  Is the Pope Catholic?  But I wasn't ready to say yay or nay yet for whether or not I was pregnant. 

Let me give you some background information.  It was 5 years ago nearly to the day that M&S were sitting in the doctors office with me to see their first baby's heartbeat.  I will never ever forget that day and the look on their faces when they saw their baby alive and real!  It was amazing!  

When they left the room for me to get dressed, the doctor came back in.  He asked if I was sure that the baby was indeed my intended parents as the baby was measuring small.  What can I say?  He was candid in his conversations with me.  I knew that the baby was theirs without a shadow of doubt in my mind because the traditional way of getting pregnant required sex and that wasn't happening at that point in my life.  I kind of knew at that moment that something wasn't right.  I was to come back in a week to see if the baby had caught up in growth and size to the right gestation.  

When I went back on the 5th of May (Crazy that I remember the date so clearly!) another ultrasound was done and the baby had stopped growing the week before likely the same day of the first ultrasound.  We were all devastated.  The doctor wanted me to have a D&C that afternoon to remove the baby from my uterus as my body was not expelling the baby on its own.  Physical recovery from the D&C was far easier than the emotional recovery.  

We all agreed to take a step back and take some time before proceeding with another attempt at pregnancy.  (I know this is a little redundant from my first blog post, but the memory is clear to me today as it was exactly 5 years ago).  They went onto have 2 gorgeous boys through another surrogate and they will be 3 in just a few days!  Crazy how life comes in a full circle.  

But the feelings I had back then have come back... What if this doesn't work?  What if I have a positive test then it ends up in a chemical or I have a miscarriage?  I then effectively become part of the problem rather than part of the solution.  I don't ever want to feel like I let my IPs down by not being able to carry their baby.  Miscarriages happen, Chemical pregnancies happen.  We can't prevent them but it does not make it easier for the surrogates who have been through them when you have that nagging feeling of "What if I did this different..."  Surrogacy is a beautiful thing but it leaves more parties feeling the emotions of loss or the elation of a birth....  It is a double edged sword for sure!  

So how many people read the whole thing before scrolling down to the photos first?

Me trying to will people into seeing a line that may or may not have been there in person. 

Oh yes, invert it... Then they will see it for sure.  Go ahead and do that screen tilt!

I am certain I see a line here... or do I?

Invert this one, try to save it from the App and accidentally post it on FB for the world to see... IM is subscribed to my FB notifications so I had to lie and say it was a friends.. Sorry for those who played along with my game.  My IM believed me too!  I was afraid she would see it if I didn't make up a story to go with it... I told her the truth though.  There IS a faint line in this photo and to me, its clear as day. 

Stupid blue line test-- its a vertical line not a + sign.  Its there, just faint. 

This made me sad to see 'Not Pregnant'  That to me equates NOT COOL! 

Oh sweet baby Jesus, I need to delete photos. I have 1400 on my phone and 75% are pee stick analysis. 

All of these tests have a line, as you can see, the 5.75 days past transfer is getting quite dark...

Too bad my IM knows me so well... I ask her if she wants to meet me for lunch on her way up the interstate tomorrow... She responds with knowing that I have something to give her... Like a positive pregnancy test!

That is right... We did do it!  

Lines on both of these too... just hard to see since they are cheapies.

My collection.. I have spent about $100 this cycle on tests.   Unless you have seriously had a hard time conceiving, or you are a surrogate, you probably don't understand the need. 

This is the worst wait of your life... Can't stand the wait of just staring at it... Anyone hearing jeopardy in their head?  Ill take it back to the kitchen so I can continue dinner prep... With a line like I got on the last test, it is going to be positive...

WTF?  No really... WTF???   I have darkish lines and still negative.... I was waiting for a positive digi before I told the world...

You know what, this is a substantial positive test... It is official!! I have their bun in my oven!

Even with those pretty lines on those tests, I cannot let myself relax.  I know what happened last time. I have had friends who had chemicals and blighted ovums.  I haven't had that elusive positive digital pregnancy test-- maybe tomorrow.  I am just so afraid of something happening... not to the point I am stressing over it, but I want this to work for them!!  I have my beta on Friday (10.5dp5dt or about 15.5dpo) then again on Monday.  I should have my first ultrasound around 7 weeks which will be about 3 weeks from now... Wish us luck and that this baby sticks around for about 8 more months!  I am relieved that it worked as well as being relieved that I didn't get my first positive until about 5dp5dt which means it is likely just one little baby that stuck around!