Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Ultrasound #2 Update

Sometimes we don't have adequate or eloquent words to convey the message that we need to tell.  First I will just put it out there, then I will give the details.  Today at the appt, there was no heartbeat.  

Now that there is a big white elephant in the room, I will tell you more.  This is my second miscarriage, this is their second miscarriage.  The only time we have ever experienced a m/c is with each other.  That does not make today any easier.  They drove down here (a very turbulent and long trip laden with traffic) and we got to the appointment just in time.

The tech put the wand on my abdomen and immediately, I didn't see a heartbeat.  The tech wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound so she asked me to undress while they were in the hall.  When they came back in, an OB came with her which further solidified my intuition.  


When they did the transvag ultrasound, there was one gestational sac with two yolks inside of it.  Those were both empty and still.  No flicker of a heartbeat.  The sac measured 7w6d so the baby (ies?) had stopped growing either last week or the week before.  What do you say about this?

I have always heard that surrogacy is a selfless act.  That one gives part of themselves to another person/family for 9 months (or more).  What is selfless is when you are faced with a situation like this and all you can think about is the other person before yourself.  Who cares about me medically?  Are they okay emotionally?  For me it is easy to discern my feelings of grief.  They are not for myself or even for the baby-- this is not my baby so it is hard to explain how removed I feel from the pregnancy.  My friends, My Intended mother and Intended Father-- they are my initial concern.  I can't imagine how they feel when I should be a part of the infertility solution and suddenly, I have become the problem -- twice.  

I cannot harbor the grief or the blame.  It was not my fault but I still dislike that inside of me, these embryos did not continue to grow.  My body did what it needed to, it just wasn't meant to be.

Waiting on the RE to call me back and tell me how he wants to manage this loss-- medically, methodically or surgically.  (Cytotec, natural m/c or D&C).  I don't know what will be after the m/c or if we will continue.  Right now we are handling this and getting through this before we make the next move... One step at a time.


"One Step At A Time"

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus:]
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus]

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It's your faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

1 comment:

  1. I'm just now seeing this. My heart is broken for you and your IPs. You know I've been in their shoes and it's never a good place to be, but I'm hurting for you too because selfless act or not, I know how much you care about others. I know how badly you want to do this for them. Your attitude is stellar, as always. Sending all the love distance love I've got and then some.

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